


Sgt. Sain's Lonely Hearts Club Band

by BumbleBuzz



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken | Fire Emblem: Blazing Sword
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Gen, Infinite memes, JoJo References, Memes, Modern AU, chatfic, more memes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-04-29 04:27:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14465013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BumbleBuzz/pseuds/BumbleBuzz
Summary: After my last chatfic was a debacle, I've decided to try again, with fewer characters, even less plot, and more memes. Infinitely more memes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So if anyone's familiar with me, I made an Echoes chatfic a while back. I don't like it, so I'm deleting it. Sorry for your loss.
> 
> Names:
> 
> Sain: insainly._.handsome  
> Kent: ikentwithyou  
> Lowen: nosucc.forzucc  
> Marcus: loyalmanofpherae  
> Priscilla: aliens.are.cool  
> Isadora: kazoo_kween  
> Rath: sonofthewindandsky

_ (insainly._.handsome created a new group chat) _

_ (insainly._.handsome named the chat “Sgt. Sain’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”) _

nosucc.forzucc: What is this

insainly._.handsome: a group chat, what else

ikentwithyou: Sain, no.

insainly._.handsome: sain y e s

loyalmanofpherae: Why am I here?

insainly._.handsome: why shouldn’t you be here

nosucc.forzucc: Aww please stay Marcus!

nosucc.forzucc: We love you :>

loyalmanofpherae: Okay then

nosucc.forzucc: yayayy

kazoo_kween: Whom did summon me and why

insainly._.handsome: me! because we need you to bless us with your magical kazoo powers

kazoo_kween: K

nosucc.forzucc: Damn she hit ya with that K she rlly dont care

aliens.are.cool: haha :’)

ikentwithyou: Hello, Priscilla.

aliens.are.cool: hi kent!!

insainly._.handsome: priscillaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aliens.are.cool: yes?

insainly._.handsome: im just happy to see ya

aliens.are.cool: but you can’t see me

ikentwithyou: I can.

insainly._.handsome: NANI?!

ikentwithyou: Just kidding.

aliens.are.cool: sain don’t be rude, i’ve always wanted to meet my fbi agent :3

ikentwithyou: FBI…? I don’t work for the FBI.

kazoo_kween: It’s a joke kent, because the fbi is always watching and you have no privacy

insainly._.handsome: w8 can the fbi see my downloads

kazoo_kween: yes, why? What porn

insainly._.handsome: none, just

insainly._.handsome: _ screenshot1.jpg _

ikentwithyou: Jesus Christ, Sain.

aliens.are.cool: that’s a lot of memes

insainly._.handsome: how else do i get all the ladies?

sonofthewindandsky: You don’t, actually.

aliens.are.cool: pfft

kazoo_kween: OOOOOOOH

ikentwithyou: I was about to say that myself. Nicely done

insainly._.handsome: HEY dont be rude i can get girls

nosucc.forzucc: ...and other jokes you can tell yourself

insainly._.handsome: you’ve reached a new low, lowen

insainly._.handsome: wait wait wait, we can call you LOWen

nosucc.forzucc: Please no

kazoo_kween: Why are we bullying Lowen

sonofthewindandsky: Because. Bullying Sain is insanely easy.

loyalmanofpherae: I see you there with that pun. Very clever

aliens.are.cool: let’s not bully people, sain doesn’t deserve it he’s actually quite nice

nosucc.forzucc: PRISCILLA RE YOU DAEF

insainly._.handsome: angels cant be deaf

aliens.are.cool: thank you sain! although im not an angel

kazoo_kween: His next line is, “You must be a goddess then”

insainly._.handsome: you must be very modest then

kazoo_kween: Never mind

aliens.are.cool: ahaha

aliens.are.cool: well i have to go :( i’ll talk to you guys later <3

insainly._.handsome: talk to you later priscilla :D

loyalmanofpherae: I ought to be going too. All of you need to eat, it’s almost dinnertime.

ikentwithyou: Sain, Marcus, we still on for Italian tonight?

insainly._.handsome: yee

ikentwithyou: Good. Sain I’ll pick you up at 7

kazoo_kween: Lmao thanks for making and plans and not inviting me

ikentwithyou: Oh, my bad. All of you are invited now.

insainly._.handsome: be there or be square

aliens.are.cool: if i am there can i be a triangle?

insainly._.handsome: but of course

aliens.are.cool: i’ll defs be there then :-)

insainly._.handsome: yay! looking forward to it ;0

aliens.are.cool: me too

kazoo_kween: I'm going as well

nosucc.forzucc: ^

sonofthewindandsky: It would be rude to decline such a generous offer. Count me in as well

ikentwithyou: Will do. Anyone else want a ride?

kazoo_kween: No

ikentwithyou: Ok then

insainly._.handsome: see you all there ;)

nosucc.forzucc: gay

insainly._.handsome: no u

ikentwithyou: Here we go again...


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kent is disappointed in sain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sain: insainly._.handsome  
> Kent: ikentwithyou  
> Lowen: nosucc.forzucc  
> Marcus: loyalmanofpherae  
> Priscilla: aliens.are.cool  
> Isadora: kazoo_kween  
> Rath: sonofthewindandsky

kazoo_kween: Hey everyone

insainly._.handsome: i s2g isa...

kazoo_kween: Wut?

insainly._.handsome: you almost fkin died how are u the first

aliens.are.cool: wait what?

insainly._.handsome: hey love :-)

aliens.are.cool: hi sain, what happened?

ikentwithyou: I agree, Isadora, please rest. I’ll come and make you breakfast if you want.

kazoo_kween: I’m fine, thanks for asking Kent. hi priscilla

aliens.are.cool: isadora how did you almost die?? that’s scary

ikentwithyou: She tried to out-drink Marcus

aliens.are.cool: oh well that’s not good

aliens.are.cool: that’s really dangerous, they could’ve gotten hurt

nosucc.forzucc: what century is it

aliens.are.cool: hail traveler

aliens.are.cool: welcome to the 29th century!

nosucc.forzucc: whAT

insainly._.handsome: i’m so glad you could join us, o ancestor

aliens.are.cool: will you pledge allegiance to our overlord?

nosucc.forzucc: who’s your overlord?

sonofthewindandsky: He’s really been out for a long time…

sonofthewindandsky: Our overlord is a wonderful man.

aliens.are.cool: generous and kind

insainly._.handsome: although he once sold our data to advertisers, Zucc is now our loving savior

aliens.are.cool: omg. 

insainly._.handsome: what’s wrong, my dear?

aliens.are.cool: i just cant get over it

aliens.are.cool: zucc is a wonderful name

sonofthewindandsky: Why are you talking about Overlord Zucc so much? We have an emergency!

insainly._.handsome: oh! Right!

insainly._.handsome: @nosucc.forzucc

nosucc.forzucc: Yes?

insainly._.handsome: Catastrophic egg machine broke

nosucc.forzucc: Um.. what?

insainly._.handsome: oh dear. that’s the most popular meme of the day, and even he doesn’t know it...

aliens.are.cool: what do we do, sain?

sonofthewindandsky: He must perform the Ritual. It is the only way his soul can be saved.

nosucc.forzucc: What ritual??

insainly._.handsome: ...listen very closely.

insainly._.handsome: you need 15 candles, lettuce, and an onion

nosucc.forzucc: I think I have those

insainly._.handsome: light all the candles and put your feet in the lettuce

nosucc.forzucc: Okay

insainly._.handsome: cut the onion into 7 pieces while reciting this chant over and over 

insainly._.handsome: Number 15: Burger king foot lettuce. The last thing you'd want in your Burger King burger is someone's foot fungus. But as it turns out, that might be what you get. A 4channer uploaded a photo anonymously to the site showcasing his feet in a plastic bin of lettuce. With the statement: "This is the lettuce you eat at Burger King." Admittedly, he had shoes on. But that's even worse.

nosucc.forzucc: What do I do then?

aliens.are.cool: call me and i’ll explain

nosucc.forzucc: I’m working on it--!

 

**insainly._.handsome to aliens.are.cool and sonofthewindandsky**

 

insainly._.handsome: operation prank lowen is underway

aliens.are.cool: i can hear the mission impossible theme in my head

insainly._.handsome: lmao

sonofthewindandsky: So we’re going to keep this up?

aliens.are.cool: might as well

insainly._.handsome: priscilla.

aliens.are.cool: yes sain?

insainly._.handsome: what are you planning to do when he calls you?

aliens.are.cool: idk, explain it was a prank and play piano man on the kazoo?

insainly._.handsome: that’s my girl

sonofthewindandsky: Tell us how it goes.

insainly._.handsome: i feel like rath’s eyes are glinting right now lol

aliens.are.cool: haha

aliens.are.cool: hey sain?

insainly._.handsome: yes, my sweet?

sonofthewindandsky: I just got cancer and died. Sain, stop being cringey.

insainly._.handsome: i thought that was priscilla at first and almost had a heart attack

aliens.are.cool: lol rath

aliens.are.cool: but anyway sain, there’s two things i need to ask of you

insainly._.handsome: anything for you, priscilla ;)

aliens.are.cool: 1. can you get me starbucks?

sonofthewindandsky: Why not get it yourself?

aliens.are.cool: see, umm

aliens.are.cool: you know lucius?

insainly._.handsome: raven’s friend?

aliens.are.cool: yes, he stayed the night

aliens.are.cool: and he brought his puppy <3

aliens.are.cool:  _ cutepup.jpg _

aliens.are.cool: he’s sitting in my lap and he’s so cute i can’t break that trust;;

insainly._.handsome: what a good boye :o i understand and i’m omw. what do you want?

aliens.are.cool: just a hot cocoa, i’ll venmo you for it 

insainly._.handsome: no need! it shouldn’t be that expensive

aliens.are.cool: you can’t stop me from doing it though

insainly._.handsome: true. anyway, the second ques!

aliens.are.cool: yes… 2. why did you name this imaginary overlord “zucc”

insainly._.handsome: why not? he probably will become our overlord after stealing all our personal data

aliens.are.cool: true

insainly._.handsome: anyway im about to hit the road. tell me how it goes with lowen!

aliens.are.cool: haha i will ;-D

sonofthewindandsky: ...That really is a cute dog.

 

**Sgt Sain’s Lonely Hearts Club Band**

 

nosucc.forzucc: @aliens.are.cool

aliens.are.cool: yes?

nosucc.forzucc: i finished the onion, can i call?

aliens.are.cool: sure!

ikentwithyou: ....

kazoo_kween: Priscilla, Sain, Rath, you guys have provided quality entertainment for everyone

kazoo_kween: You have earned a Zucc Bucc

kazoo_kween:  _ zuccbucc.png _

sonofthewindandsky: Thank you, Isadora.

nosucc.forzucc: Heck frick

kazoo_kween: Lowen, never change

loyalmanofpherae: I’m alive. I think

nosucc.forzucc: DON’T LET THEM FOOL YOU

nosucc.forzucc: IT IS NOT THE 29TH CENTURY

loyalmanofpherae: I know that…

aliens.are.cool:  _ imthekazookid.jpg _

loyalmanofpherae: Haha. Very funny Priscilla :-)

ikentwithyou: Where’s Sain? You’d think he’d be back to spamming us with terrible memes now.

aliens.are.cool: he’s bringing me a cocoa

aliens.are.cool: i have a pupper in my lap and he’s sleepy now and i can’t betray him ;;;

ikentwithyou: I don’t understand, but OK.

aliens.are.cool: at any rate, don’t complain and enjoy the brief reprieve

ikentwithyou: You’re right, we can’t take this for granted.

kazoo_kween: It will be very brief

kazoo_kween: for i will fill his place ;) 

ikentwithyou: Oh God no.

kazoo_kween:  Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take a Kanye Rest. He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best and gets Kanye Dressed to go on an epic Kanye Quest to pass his Kanye Test, but before he Kanye Pressed on his way, he asked to get Kanye Blessed so that he will not get Kanye Stressed during his Kanye Test, which he completed 10/10 Kanye Lest he was to lose. He then celebrated with a Kanye Fest.

kazoo_kween:  Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take a Kanye Rest. He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best and gets Kanye Dressed to go on an epic Kanye Quest to pass his Kanye Test, but before he Kanye Pressed on his way, he asked to get Kanye Blessed so that he will not get Kanye Stressed during his Kanye Test, which he completed 10/10 Kanye Lest he was to lose. He then celebrated with a Kanye Fest.

kazoo_kween: Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take a Kanye Rest. He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best and gets Kanye Dressed to go on an epic Kanye Quest to pass his Kanye Test, but before he Kanye Pressed on his way, he asked to get Kanye Blessed so that he will not get Kanye Stressed during his Kanye Test, which he completed 10/10 Kanye Lest he was to lose. He then celebrated with a Kanye Fest.

_ kazoo_kween has been removed from Sgt Sain’s Lonely Hearts Club Band _

sonofthewindandsky: You’re welcome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter: oh idk fam

**Author's Note:**

> next episode: bad zucc and foot lettuce


End file.
